Saturday, December 02, 2006


My whole life I've always tried to please my mom. This started when I was younger and she was physically and verbally abusive, so I did it to keep from getting hurt. She changed and stopped being abusive and really is a wonderful person, but she still finds ways to hurt me. I feel that she withdraws her love every time I do something she doesn't agree with. Today she called and we were talking about Christmas and my birthday. Then I told her about our trip to Cancun. She asked if she would get to watch the boys and I told her that I wanted her to but that DH had already asked his mom. The mood promptly changed. She said "I'm really offended by you. She (MIL) gets to see them anytime she wants. I'm done with this." and then hung up. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! I just don't understand why she does this to me. Makes me feel like a worthless piece of crap whenever she isn't happy. If we had the money I would take the boys to see her all the time, it's not like I want to keep them away from her. But MIL only lives an hour away so she comes more and gives us gas money to come see her.

I just hate when she does this to me.


Beth said...

I'm sorry she said that. That's really mean! :-( I hope things get better for you guys.

Amanda said...

Kara, that is really unfair of your mom to do that. why can't she drive to you?

Kara said...

Amanda- she has 3 foster girls and has to get special permission to take them out of state, or permission to leave them with someone there if she doesn't bring them, plus all their court, case worker stuff, and caring for her other 4 kids at home by herself most of the time since my dad travels for work, she's very busy, so it's hard for her to get up here.

I understand why she feels that way, but I hate that she makes me feel all crappy about it. I really would have liked her to watch the boys because they don't see them as much, but DH just asked his mom first and I'm not going to tell her she can't now.

Michelle said...

Oh Kara, you don't deserve that. I'm so sorry your mom makes you feel so crappy. Does she know that you can't afford to see her as often as you would like? That's a hard situation with family trying to decide who will watch your children if you leave town. Maybe tell your husband the next time, your mom gets to watch the boys and then tell you mom that too. Maybe it will hope. I hope so, that's really hard on you. You don't need anymore stress. :(

Kara said...

Nate's pretty mad at her about it. He says we lived closer to her for 3 years and saw them a lot then and now that we live closer to his parents it's their turn. Plus mom watched Jason when we went to San Diego this spring. I just hate being all stressed out about this, gives me a headache.

Michelle said...

That's a really good point. Too bad your mom doesn't see it that way. :( I hope your headache goes away.

Kate said...

*HUGS* It's hard when the people who are supposed to be your soft place to fall aren't . . . *HUGS*

Barb said...

Kara, my mom used to be the same way, and still is to some degree but not as often. I'm sorry you have to put up with that.

Stewart Sternberg (half of L.P. Styles) said...

I spent over twelve years dealing with abuse and neglect in children and adults before becoming a teacher. I have some thoughts on this matter, but I am not giving advice, but rather informing, giving information you can find anywhere.

An abusive parent may stop being physically abusive, but it is difficult for them to control their abusive nature, and so it comes out in emotional abuse.

All abuse is of course about power. She is compensating for other issues by continuing to attempt to dehumanize you.

I ask this question: are you a victim or a survivor?

A victim is someone who continues to subject herself to abusive behavior and make excuses as to why she is willing to tolerate it. Or a victim can be someone who acts out their past abuse through such behavior as abuse of their own, use of drugs and alcohol and difficulties maintaining healthy relationships.

A survivor is someone who deals successfully with the abuse and move on.

Maybe you need to set hard limits with your mother, telling her ahead of time what these limits are. For instance, you can let her know that there are certain topics that are off limits. If she steps over the line, then you excuse yourself from the situation. Or it may be that you will have to cut off contact for some time.

It is hard to deal with this, but it obviously makes you unhappy. Is the unhappiness worth it? And then you should consider the affect a grandparent has on children.

I could go on, but I'll stop with these few points.